- Hard Fall Page 16
I pulled him in as close as I dared, damn near hissing in his face, "And I shouldn't have gotten nekkid with you in the back of my truck. But it's done now. There ain't no rolling back time."
A tiny bit of uncertainty flashed in those green eyes. I wasn't certain what Kabe was afraid of and I was a little too wrapped up in my own problems to try and track down why.
Softer, without all the bullheaded posturing, he asked, "You'd want to rewind to before it all happened?"
"Naw," I couldn't help but smile, even if it was a brief thing that blew past quick. "I'd like to move it back to before Ramon heard anything, or shoot him in the head or something. I don't think you know how much poison's here," I tapped the center of my chest, "right now. I wouldn't be held responsible if he came along any time soon."
"You and me both." Kabe snorted loud enough that Pete's glare went from annoyed to downright hateful.
"But I'm a big boy." I squeezed his arm, letting Kabe know I didn't hold none of this against him. "I chose what to do and did it. And, frankly," what little bit of smile I could find, I gave to Kabe, "I'd do it again. Sooner or later something like this was bound to happen, anyway. Just happened in the sooner rather than later. There's a lot of lying and hiding that's about 183
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to catch up with me." Letting go, I stepped back and kinda brushed him off toward where Myron stood—acting like he didn't see nor hear nothing. "I got T's number, here's mine." I yanked the pen off where I'd clipped it to my collar, grabbed his hand and scribbled the number in ballpoint down his forearm. "You know where I live now. I ain't saying I don't want you around. There're some things, though, that don't need to be witnessed. This is one of them. So buck it up and take it on home."
"Joe..." I could almost see the protests building on his tongue.
"Look, Kabe," I growled, cutting him off. "Do you have any respect for me at all?"
"More than you probably know."
"Then you respect me on this. Please, give me that little bit of pride, 'cause I ain't gonna have a whole lot left when this all blows down."
Kabe glanced at Pete and then swung back on me. "I think it's a really bad idea to leave you alone."
"But it's what I need you to do." I pushed him toward the car. "Go on." I smiled then, as best I could when I felt like screaming. "Get yourself on home. I'll call T's place in the morning, promise." He shook his head and started to open his mouth. I cut him off again. "I said now. Get! We'll talk later."
Something dark and hard closed down over him, locking all his emotions down like when I first met him. Even his eyes went flat. He jerked his shoulders like nothing much mattered, then wandered to the car and climbed in without 184
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even looking back at me. Fine enough, I'd talk it out with him later.
Myron shot one last nasty look at Pete before getting in as well. The car started with a rumble and gravel crunched as Myron put it in gear. Time to get the party going. I didn't wait to watch 'em go, just turned on my heel, pushed past Pete on the stairs and let myself in. Didn't bother to invite Pete to follow, I figured he just would whether I wanted him to or not.
Light was fading outside so I flicked on the lights as I went in. Everything seemed a heck of a lot more barren than it had this morning. The dishes from breakfast, a double set of them, still sat on the counter. Probably should clean up, but I didn't much want to bother right then. I turned just quick enough to catch Pete staring at the sink with the bowls, spoons and mugs. Yeah, he likely figured out what it meant.
Not that it was any worse than what he'd already heard.
Tearing his gaze from them, like a simple set of cereal bowls held some evil power to stain his soul, Pete minced into my living room and shuddered ... man walked like a cat across Velcro. "Let's talk, Joe." Pete settled onto the worn cushions of my couch and folded his hands across his knees.
A sad smile worked across his mouth, drawing down the lines on his face. "I've known you since you were a kid. What happened?" Just jump in and swim—that was Pete all over.
"Did something taint you while you worked at the prison?"
I dropped down heavy into my recliner. Thing had seen more years than the couch. I rubbed my temples before growling out, "Even you can't be that stupid, Pete."
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He laughed, but didn't sound amused at all. "You know what I mean."
"Actually, cain't say as I do."
"Seeing how those men act in prison." Shaking his head like he couldn't fathom the minds of such fallen men, how they'd choose to be that way, Pete blew out a long-suffering sigh then clucked his tongue on the roof of his mouth. "Maybe it made you think that this was acceptable." He leaned forward, pretending at sympathy. "Or was it him? They told me he's a convict. It turned your head thinking that nobody's going to know, just this once." Pete rolled his hands so they rested palm up, like Christ's did in the print I could just see over his shoulder. "We all have urges and I know it's hard not to give in sometimes. I know you're lonely. You don't have a woman in your life. At your age, that's got to be frustrating."
I had to count to ten under my breath before I could answer. "I don't have a woman in my life, Pete, because it ain't a woman I want in my life."
"This is the Devil talking in you, Joe." His voice was deep and even. Definitely a minister's voice ... or a used car salesman's, didn't right know which at that point. "You don't mean that. I know you."
"You don't know nothing of me." I actually laughed as I said it. "You hate what I am."
"No, Joe, God loves everyone."
"God may love me, you don't."
"I love with God's love." If my sin was lust, his was lying.
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homosexuality didn't come nowhere close to Pete's opinion about fags. "Joe, he loves you too much to leave you like you are. You know the Bible, Joe." Lord, I was about to get scripture thrown at me. Done that for two years during my service as an Elder on my mission. I could toss the Bible
'round with most anyone. "Leviticus," He intoned, going straight for the gut shot, "'it is an abomination for a man to lie with a man as with a woman, and those that do so shall surely be put to death.'"
"'For everyone who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death. He who has cursed his father or his mother. His blood shall be upon him.'" I shot back. "That's Leviticus too, you gonna have me shoot every kid who sasses back his ma?"
Pete shook his head like he expected the comeback and it was beneath him to respond in words. The church teaches you that, avoid and redirect the conversation to where you want it to go. Be reasonable and don't put your own views into it unless you're testifying about your faith. Keep your tone friendly and you'll get converts or bring wayward members back into the fold. He smiled without warmth.
"There's places that can help, Joe. They'll work with you, make you understand what's wrong..."
"No!" I darn near shot out of my chair with that word, hitting the edge of my seat and stopping myself before I stood. "I know what you're talking about, Pete, and there's no way." It took almost all the will I had to keep from getting into his face. "I've heard from people who've been to those places. They don't fix nothing. They just make you hate 187
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yourself." I swallowed my anger and fear at the thought of what went on in sessions like that. "I may not be all easy with me, but it's me and I don't hate Joe Peterson. I'm not about to let you take me down that road. I've seen that damage."
He smiled again. Each one of Pete's smiles was like a gut blow, cutting and hard. "But, Joe, if there was a chance to cure you..."
"Nothing anyone can say or do
will 'cure me' of this." I grabbed my head with both hands, lacing my fingers over the top of my skull. If'n I hadn't done that, I might have used Pete's neck for outlet to all the pent up frustration, anger and worry that'd been building since my talk with Myron in his office. I promised myself that I would not lose control. At least not while anyone was nearby to witness. I sucked in a huge breath and then blew it out. "Okay, I ain't supposed to be having sex outside of marriage ... I get that. Masturbation is a sin." I challenged him with my stare. "Don't mean that both those don't happen all the time. Our sinful nature says we do what feels good. Our righteous minds say we act on it or not. But that assumes a woman would ever get me hot. I could have shacked up with some gal. And then you'd be all over me and she'd be all over me, heck the whole Ward'd be all over me for not giving her kids. Doing my husbandly duties."
"Let's pray about this." The man slid to his knees and held out his hand. "I'll help you pray until we understand it."
"Pete, I done prayed myself blue. Years of it. It ain't changed nothing about me. And I did come to understand. I understand this is what I am. And I've always been this way.
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Since I can remember." I'd held it bottled for so long. Now the cork had been popped and everything came spilling out.
Couldn't have stopped it if I tried. Don't know why, since I sure didn't want absolution from him. "And there was a time, Lord, where I hated myself and what I wanted. But, know what, God put me on this earth like this."
Pete looked like he watched me die. "That's the Devil talking in you, Joe." To his way of thinking, that's likely what was happening.
"No," I let go my grip. No need to crush my own hard head when it was someone else's that deserved it. "It's Joe talking." For a moment I thought I might cry. The feeling rushed up and overwhelmed me. Only the sheer mule streak in my blood kept me from it. I did not want to go down crying in front of Pete Sampris. I stamped it down, buried it. I knew it would come back later, hopefully I'd be alone by then.
When I got myself back under control, I glared at him, daring him to comment on my moment of weakness. Even Pete didn't have the stones for that.
"You know how we always talk about an epiphany." My words came out all rushed. "How if God wants something to be, and you follow what he says then it all goes right, everything in your life, the Holy Ghost confirms what you knew in your heart. Your paths just open up. Guess what, when I fought it, my whole life was upside down. I couldn't stand myself and nothing went right. I was sick all the time. I had no job. I accepted me, who I am, and the world went right. All the cards fell into place and I knew, I understood, this is what I am."
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"That's the Devil misleading you."
"Well if exactly what's 'sposed to be happening when God's working is happening when the Devil's working, how the heck does anyone tell?" My laugh was all filled with bitter. "And what ever happened to 'judge not lest ye be judged?'"
With a grunt, Pete hauled himself off his knees. He stood, staring down at me, his hands clasped in front of him. "God doesn't hate homosexuals, Joe, we all know that. But it's the giving in to it, the sex outside of marriage that's an abomination, a sin against nature."
"I cain't believe that God would condemn anyone like that, Pete. I just don't think God would do that." Even standing above me in a position of power, Pete seemed weak and shallow. "Everything I ever been taught says he wouldn't. We don't love a God who puts people in a position where they never can love."
"Corinthians Six, 'know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind ... '" More scripture, the last resort of the faithful. "Joe, don't delude yourself. It's okay as long as you don't act on it."
Yeah, that's what they claim ... we'll accept you so long as you don't go out and get laid. Sucker you into a good ol'
feeling of acceptance and then kick you harder and harder in the balls as they try and wean you off of your desires. I believed that as much as I believed I could convince a dog to turn into a cat. "I cain't not act on it. Not now." I closed my eyes. Kabe floated there his dark hair all mussed by the wind, 190
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with a smile that washed away all my fear and his green eyes brighter than the sky behind him. Without opening my eyes, I whispered, "Naomi cleaved to Ruth and like David from the Old Testament, I've found grace in someone's eyes. And like David, those eyes happen to be on a guy." I don't know that it was love, don't think I was ready to call it anywhere near that, but Kabe's eyes held salvation in their acceptance of me.
Then I looked at Pete, what I saw was a tired and hateful man. "You come to me three, four months ago, knowing it, and I might have said you're right. God meant me to not love anyone. Be a rock. Don't be touched by no one. But now I've been touched, in here." I tapped my chest. "'There is no fear in love, but love casteth out fear.'"
"So you're not afraid?" He sneered. "It's the Devil's bravado, Joe."
"Naw," I snorted, "I'm terrified." Lord knows I was.
"Then it can't be love that you feel." His voice cajoled. It was scary how Pete could turn it on and off in a heartbeat.
"Lust is overwhelming you. We'll get you help. You'll see."
"Know what, I'm terrified of people like you. People who judge me, who think I'm a monster or I'm sick. People who hate what I am. 'Cause I'm hearing the words, Pete, I just don't think you believe in them." I stood and stuck my hands in my back pockets. Offering up a bit of a shrug, I knew he wouldn't understand, but I told him anyway. "Places like you're talking about, they drive people to suicide. The one thing I'm not terrified of is holding him."
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"Joe, you can't turn your back on the church. Jesus sacrificed himself for you. Abstinence is such a small sacrifice for someone who gave everything for you."
"Pete, I'm done talking." I jerked my head toward the door. The man could find his own way out. "You've said your piece. Go home."
He didn't budge. "I can't leave you like this, Joe."
"I'm telling you to get." Pushing my point with my body, I stepped in.
"Joe, you keep on this path and it'll be the end, a bad one." A thousand threats wove under that simple statement.
One of those I knew what it was. Excommunication—try me, strike my name off the rolls and tell all other members to shun me, even my folks. "I ain't gonna appear."
"What?"
"You hold a Bishops' Court, I ain't gonna appear. I'll save you the trouble, just excommunicate me by proxy. I don't want my family to go through that, having to listen to all the charges against me." That'd likely kill my mom. Not that this wouldn't anyway. If the church threw me out, they'd expect my family to cut me off. That was a hell of a position to put them in. Still, the whys and the hows and the spin they'd put on what I did, none of my family needed to be put through that. And at this point, the church wouldn't accept my resignation from the rolls. Not after tonight. "I ain't going to suffer being called to testify and you ain't got no power 'cept the scorn of the church to make me. You can't be fool enough not to realize I already got that in spades. I ain't done 192
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nothing wrong except that I'm involved with someone of my own sex."
"Joe, it's sex outside of marriage, you know that's wrong."
"Well, if you'd ever let me marry a guy, I might not be so pig-headed. And you'd just disfellowship a gal or guy messing with each other when they weren't married. Let them earn their way back. I hear you reinstated Jessie Dane's Temple Recommend 'cause she prayed real hard about having kids outside of marriage. Somehow, I don't think anyone'll ever give me that option." Whoa, I didn't think I could e
ver sound so snide as I did right about then.
"If you do that, there won't be a place for you at Jesus'
table."
"You know they served wine at the last supper, right?" I snapped. Pete was wearing on my nerves. I had a shotgun in my bedroom. It might be time to get the damn thing and escort him out.
"That's uncalled for." As if he still couldn't fathom my resistance, Pete sighed. "You've been through Temple Endowment. I don't believe you could do this!"
"Hey, that's when the trouble started." I laughed at him.
"Actually it was my mission. You know what it was like being stuck in a foreign country, living day to day with a cute missionary partner—living, sleeping, eating with him—for two years? God couldn't have created a better hell for a nineteen-year-old gay boy than the church managed."
"If that's what you really think," he spat, "you're going to rot in this little shack of yours. We're all going to watch and say 'look, that's what happens when you fall.'"
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"Gee, Pete, how Christian of you." I stalked past him and yanked the front door open. I just stood there, couldn't look at him so I studied the clock on the far side of my kitchen.
"Get out!" About as much force as I could put behind it without yelling had me shaking.
Pete turned toward the door and stopped dead. I saw it out of the corner of my eye. His mouth started working, but nothing was coming out. It took me a moment to figure that he was staring at something. I craned my head 'round the door and looked out onto the porch. Kabe stood there, his hands balled into fists at his side.
God must have been testing me right then. 'Cause I wanted to murder someone I knew I couldn't.
"How dare you!" Kabe sputtered. I don't think I'd ever realized what saying someone was black with anger meant. I saw it for the first time in Kabe's face. "How dare you say that shit to him? Joe's fucking better than you'll ever be."
I guessed he'd heard at least some of it. Darn fool little piss-ant boy, not doing like I'd asked. Now I shouted. "Kabe, get in here!" I grabbed his shirt and hauled him through the door. Two shoves moved him into the room enough that the Bishop could get by. I swung on Pete, "Get gone!" Like the bottle'd been shaken, everything I'd smashed down in the past day came boiling back up, ready to explode. Pete must've seen the murder in my heart seething up in my eyes.